Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
