ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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