does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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