the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ladies don't puke and tell
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
