Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
