This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
