So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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