listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
