i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I love how my cats smell like pot.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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