An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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