Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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