he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
