Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
