I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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