Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
