It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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