I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We were destined to go to rehab together
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
