im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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