He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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