so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
