I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
