Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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