I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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