and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
