Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
