You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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