Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
