Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
