Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
