i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
