I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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