a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
