I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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