The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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