I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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