If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
