he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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