when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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