i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
