I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
