i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
