i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
