So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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