My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
