fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
