a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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