i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
