apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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