drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize