She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
