You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
