his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
