Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
