Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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