I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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