if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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