i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
