You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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