Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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