When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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