If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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