Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
