Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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