her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
